green-eyed monster

i am consumed by jealousy. i am possessed by envy. why is it that some people who aren’t ready to parent get pregnant so easily? why do i have to notice the young woman in the store today that yelled at her kid and used expletives while disciplining him? today i found out i am officially infertile. endometriosis is the diagnosis, and surgery is the plan. instead of looking at an ultrasound of a baby i looked at an ultrasound of a very large cyst on my ovary. the dr. laid out the plan to get me pregnant (was it my imagination that he had a glimmer in his eye excited by the challenge?), while i sat there and thought about how i so didn’t want to go through all this with minimal chances of success. knowing that a baby was on its way (when, oh when?) through adoption i asked, “if i’m okay with not being pregnant, do i have to have the surgery anyway?” dr. says yes, it will only get worse. i kept my chin up when i left, then sat in my car and cried.

“o! beware, my lord, of jealousy.

it is the green eye’d monster which doth mock

the meat it feeds on.” – william shakespeare

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4 Comments

Filed under adoption, foster care, infertility

4 responses to “green-eyed monster

  1. klarobinson215

    I totally understand. I also have endo – 3 surgeries so far, and have to work the children’s floor at the library – during baby time. I’ve had to leave the floor before because it is so hard. Knowing that we will have a baby through adoption has kept my spirits up over the last 4 months. As you said – keep your chin up – and yes you are allowed to cry.

  2. Cry, scream, kick, do whatever you need to do. I know it’s hard to see people not cherishing their child when you want one so badly. I know the green eyed monster too well. I think we were dating at one point. But we will all get our little ones someday.

  3. miranda

    I was thinking about it yesterday, and I know four other people who had endometriosis. You are strong and will get through this. Let me know if you need anything.

  4. I have endo too.. its awful! I am sorry!!!

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