i am consumed by jealousy. i am possessed by envy. why is it that some people who aren’t ready to parent get pregnant so easily? why do i have to notice the young woman in the store today that yelled at her kid and used expletives while disciplining him? today i found out i am officially infertile. endometriosis is the diagnosis, and surgery is the plan. instead of looking at an ultrasound of a baby i looked at an ultrasound of a very large cyst on my ovary. the dr. laid out the plan to get me pregnant (was it my imagination that he had a glimmer in his eye excited by the challenge?), while i sat there and thought about how i so didn’t want to go through all this with minimal chances of success. knowing that a baby was on its way (when, oh when?) through adoption i asked, “if i’m okay with not being pregnant, do i have to have the surgery anyway?” dr. says yes, it will only get worse. i kept my chin up when i left, then sat in my car and cried.
“o! beware, my lord, of jealousy.
it is the green eye’d monster which doth mock
the meat it feeds on.” – william shakespeare