falling in love.



{image via www.elvis.com}

Wise men say, only fools rush in. But I can’t help falling in love with you.
                 –Elvis Presley

i am in love.

and when you fall in love the scariest part is that you’ll love the one you love.

i am scared of losing j.

we have been in contact with his birth mother, who wants to see him, and every time i talk to her or have to leave a message for her i have panic attacks. but i know i can’t complain. i chose this path. the next hearing to terminate parental rights is december 12. such a long way away. i left a message with her that the visitation center was available next tuesday or friday and that i can meet any day. that was monday. she never called back, although i know that she started back at school this week after moving in with her father. during our first conversation she sounded angry, but i just tried to be as nice as can be and she came around i think. i asked her to bring pictures of herself when we met. she asked how he was, if he cried a lot, how he’s growing, and then we hung up. and then i felt guilty because when i hung up i thought of all the ways that i could sabotage the visit. bring him without a nap? bring no toys? (would she think to bring anything to keep him occupied). i’m not going to do any of these things because it’s not right. i feel like i’m a bad person for even thinking it, but i want, want, want to be this little boy’s mom forever and ever. i just pray that everyone, including myself, will make the best decisions for him.

andrew called her on wednesday and she wanted to see him both tuesday and friday next week. i have no idea if she knows that the court order allows her one visit every other week for three hours. he called the social worker and she said she would call us back, but still hasn’t done so. ugh. how much effort am i supposed to put into getting these visits to happen? i want to do the right thing, but i don’t know what the right thing is sometimes.

to change the topic…

 it was cooler yesterday, thank goodness. the day before was a scorching 92 degrees. we went to the mall to escape the heat and eat gelato, and took zoe for a salon day. isn’t she beautiful in her autumn scarf?


the forecast is rain on saturday. yipee! we are hoping to wear our rain boots, which we pranced around in yesterday in the backyard while we finger painted.



Filed under adoption, around the homestead, foster care

4 responses to “falling in love.

  1. miranda

    I would definitely document all of your initiated efforts to make contact with the birth mother, anything to help build your case to keep J. Still in my prayers…

  2. Kelly T.

    I agree. Make sure to document everything. The burden should be on her to make the visits happen. You’ve done your part.

  3. dirtpaws

    I agree with Miranda, document all cases in which you contacted the birth mother in case it comes up in court. These days a paper trail is the most important thing.
    Two side notes from an adoptee to an adoptive mother. I hope that I do not offend you with these (you’re probably already thinking “should I be on the war path here?”) but they are honest, heartfelt responses that arose in me when reading your blog. It’s just my opinion (which are like you-know-whats) we all got ’em!
    1) The birth mother may not be the right caregiver for him, but she is still his mother and for his sake and development, realize that any productive, and I stress productive meetings with his birth mother will reinforce his position in your lives and how he defines himself. I say this because I was not allowed to see my birth mother, or brother or sister for my entire life and I remembered them because I was older when I was adopted. I NEEDED something from them that was denied me. It was simply a case of my adoptive parents not wanting me to. So there was no danger there, just their need to be the only parents in my life. With any family that does not come together in the conventional sense, there are a lot of players involved and terms. I think that if he can safely have even the smallest amount of contact with her (even letters) it will definitely help him define himself as he grows.

    Anyways, your beautiful boy looks amazing and I wish you all the happiness and speediness as December 12th approaches. Thanks for commenting on my blog. I am so happy that it is helpful. There are several stories there about what I have gone through in the two years since we adopted our African American daughter. Don’t know if they’ll be helpful to you but wanted to point them out.

  4. Your advice is absolutely helpful! I truly appreciate hearing from an adoptee. I’m constantly reminding myself to recognize what is my own need and what his are. Thank you!

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