oh, how i’ve been thinking of this lately. i have realized something. i have never fit in totally anywhere. oh, i know some of you who know me would disagree, but it’s really true, and i have realized that this is a blessing.
when i was a kid, growing up in a lily-white neighborhood, i was one of a few kids who looked like ME at school. it didn’t help that i was terribly shy and i never felt like i belonged. we moved to a very different neighborhood when i was 10 and i finally felt like i “fit in” because i didn’t stand out, but quickly realized that i didn’t totally fit in there either. i was a cheerleader in high school, but i was also in the “smart” classes (nothing to brag about…i wasn’t exactly the best in either role). i had my feet in two different worlds and couldn’t completely immerse myself in either one. it was hard at times, but looking back i realized that i was exposed to much more than the average person.
i have been thinking about this lately because i started blogging. i started the blog as an adoption blog, and quickly found other blogs, all kinds, about adoption. international, domestic, foster care. i started commenting on various adoption blogs (mostly international at first) hoping that i could communicate with those writers. turns out, i really didn’t fit in any of those categories. people who are adopting from vietnam, for example, wanted to obviously communicate with others who are doing the same. international adoption IS very different from adopting from foster care, but in my mind adoption was adoption. domestic adoption is also very different, and i didn’t quite fit in with that group either. those blog writers have an experience that is different from ours, discussing relationships with birth mothers and being “chosen” by them. turns out i didn’t fit in with the fost/adopt group either. i mean, we have been very lucky. no visits (yet) from birth parents who are struggling to get their lives together. no dealing with mean/incompetent/absent social workers. when i found out i had endo, i found others who were also dealing with infertility. guess what? didn’t fit in there either. so many women were dealing with so much more. trying for YEARS to get pregnant, some having children and losing them. i thought to myself, “how can i complain about my situation when others are dealing with so much more pain?” i felt guity at times. i didn’t need to get pregnant, but through reading these blogs could understand and accept that for some women that is very, very important. i emphathize with all those who are dealing with infertility, and thank them for exposing me, again, to different worlds. my favorite blogs are those that deal with adoption in general…attachment issues, transracial adoption issues and benefits, etc.
a few weeks ago, when i started work again, i quickly realized i couldn’t keep up with my regular blog addiction. i couldn’t comment on as many blogs as i used to. as a result, i lost readers. i felt, again, like i didn’t fit in, and actually felt sad for awhile. stupid, huh? when i got over it, i changed my focus of my blog, both how i view it and how i write for it. it’s now for me. if i can impart any knowledge to someone who’s new to the foster/adoption process, then great. if someone is reading for updates on our life with j, then great. if someone wants to check out cute stuff i find, then great. i have been keeping journals all my life, and this blogging thing works for me. i am attempting to record history, random though it may be. i hope you’ll continue reading. if not, that’s okay.
i want to thank those of you who read and comment regularly on my blog and email me…miranda, ashley, luann, emily t, kelly (sorry if i missed any of you). i appreciate all of you so much. if you are reading this, a comment now and again would make me feel great, but only if you’re inspired to comment. it’s enough for me to know that you’re reading, and my stats show that a handful of you are. i like to know who’s reading, especially since my sitemeter says that i’m getting readers from all over the country (sometimes all over the world!).
“life’s not about fitting in; it’s about standing out.”-unknown
i want to stand out as a good mother, good wife, good daughter, good sister, good friend, good teacher. this blog will help keep me accountable. i hope you’ll follow along!
i am not one who regulary makes resolutions, but i am going to challenge myself in 2009. i found something on flickr called a self portrait challenge. the idea is to take a picture a day for one full year. that’s a bit much for me, but i figured i can do a week. i hate, hate, hate pictures of myself. now that i have photoshop, they’re not so bad! if you’re at all interested in doing the same, let me know!