you know you’re a mother when you feel some sort of guilt, right? i’ve been grappling with this lately, as work comes piling in and i struggle to keep our house together and our family fed literally and metaphorically. since school has started i’ve tried my best to put good, wholesome meals on the table as i did all summer, and feeling guilty when i fell short. food is important to me anyway, but since getting j, it’s become more so, as he came to us undernourished over a year ago.

i can attest to the amazing attributes that good food has for a growing child, especially one that has come from a less-than-desirable background. i’ve had to surrender, however. the pressure is too great. i know the importance of local, sustainable, organic, etc., etc. but something’s gotta give right now. i’m seeking help from pre-made meals, and that’s that. trader joe’s and costco, i love you. we’re still eating healthily, just not everything from scratch as we did in the summer.

food isn’t the only thing i’ve had to lighten up on. i am a perfectionist, and it’s more often than not a fault, rather than a good thing. i made my own birthday cake.

yes, you heard it. i love to bake, no one else around here does, and i hate store-bought cakes, so there you have it. it wasn’t a problem for me, so i don’t see the problem other people had with it when i told them this. anyway, j wanted to help me frost the cake, and if you know the typical work of a 2-year-old in baking, you can imagine it wasn’t the prettiest thing you’ve seen. i let it happen though, despite my wincing faces behind his back, because i know it’s important to have j help. he had fun doing it, and it was precious to see his pride in making his mom a cake. in my head i planned to just whip up another one, perfect in every way, but something happened. i looked at the finished product and decided that it was simply the most beautiful cake i had ever seen. and there you have it. a perfectionist not quite reformed, but getting there, realizing that i am human, and that i could be proud, too, because i saw a beautiful mess.



Filed under adoption, eat, foster care, parenting

3 responses to “surrender.

  1. That was probably the best cake you’ve ever had because it was made with love. Also I too have surrendered to the fact that my house will be a mess and I don’t have time to cook meals from scratch most of the time anymore. But as long as my kids are healthy and happy then I’m ok.

  2. Juan

    This looks very familiar. My partner baked a chocolate cake from scratch and as sometimes happens, it didn’t quite come out right. We have pictures and refer to it (now) as the ugly cake. It’s disfigured outside did not have any affect on the delicious inside! I imagine the cake above was the same.

  3. I have the same outlook about food! I feel super guilty if I defer to store-bought or frozen. Buying from Trader Joe’s is acceptable to me, however! But kudos to you for letting your son help with the cake. You created a great memory for him. I’m inspired to do this with my child!

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