surrender.

you know you’re a mother when you feel some sort of guilt, right? i’ve been grappling with this lately, as work comes piling in and i struggle to keep our house together and our family fed literally and metaphorically. since school has started i’ve tried my best to put good, wholesome meals on the table as i did all summer, and feeling guilty when i fell short. food is important to me anyway, but since getting j, it’s become more so, as he came to us undernourished over a year ago.

i can attest to the amazing attributes that good food has for a growing child, especially one that has come from a less-than-desirable background. i’ve had to surrender, however. the pressure is too great. i know the importance of local, sustainable, organic, etc., etc. but something’s gotta give right now. i’m seeking help from pre-made meals, and that’s that. trader joe’s and costco, i love you. we’re still eating healthily, just not everything from scratch as we did in the summer.

food isn’t the only thing i’ve had to lighten up on. i am a perfectionist, and it’s more often than not a fault, rather than a good thing. i made my own birthday cake.

yes, you heard it. i love to bake, no one else around here does, and i hate store-bought cakes, so there you have it. it wasn’t a problem for me, so i don’t see the problem other people had with it when i told them this. anyway, j wanted to help me frost the cake, and if you know the typical work of a 2-year-old in baking, you can imagine it wasn’t the prettiest thing you’ve seen. i let it happen though, despite my wincing faces behind his back, because i know it’s important to have j help. he had fun doing it, and it was precious to see his pride in making his mom a cake. in my head i planned to just whip up another one, perfect in every way, but something happened. i looked at the finished product and decided that it was simply the most beautiful cake i had ever seen. and there you have it. a perfectionist not quite reformed, but getting there, realizing that i am human, and that i could be proud, too, because i saw a beautiful mess.

taking it one moment at a time.

 

{via around the bend}

i saved this image some time ago and thank goodness, because yesterday i definitely needed to hear this from somewhere. work was great, my classes are well-behaved, hard-working, and all-around good kids. my own kid, however, was a jumble of moods, happy, then mad, then sad. i was at a loss as to what to do, for none of the usual tricks worked, and ended up putting myself in a time-out. i found myself yelling a lot, and i can’t stand  being that kind of a parent. my heart goes out to single parents. i don’t know how they do this day in, day out, but with a being gone A LOT due to football coaching, i have even more respect for the job these parents do (and this is coming from someone who grew up with a single parent). so…today is a new day. and we will start over and do our best.

my boy.

 

this is my boy at 2. i can’t show you a picture yet, because he’s not “officially” all mine to share, and i regret to say that you’re missing out on some seriousness cuteness.

he talks A LOT. not around strangers very much, but you can’t stop him from story telling at home. i’m pretty much the chief translator as to what’s being said, however.

he is about to start wearing “big boy underwear”, which is a big and happy deal, but kind of sad, too, for it really signifies he’s no longer a baby.

he has a vivid imagination and has already started pretend play, especially cooking (where in the world does he get that?). he makes coffee (usually offered with an orange…not a bad combo if you ask me), and cupcakes, and eggs, and even uses an imaginary salt cellar.

he has good manners and says “please”, “thank you”, and “excuse me”, even to the dogs.

he’s a backseat driver, often telling me, “go fast mom.”

oh yeah, sometimes he calls me “mom” instead of “mommy”, which is, like the underwear, both a happy and sad thing. no idea where he got that from.

he already has self-confidence. when i clean his face he says “i’m handsome”, and when he does something that we praise he says “i’m smart”. now to make sure that this doesn’t turn into full-blown conceit.

he loves to play the “kisses game”, in which we kiss him all over the face and neck.

he loves his home. he always says “goodbye home” when we leave and names off all the animals to say goodbye to them, too. when we pass church, he makes sure to say “hi church”

he is not afraid of new experiences and loves everything about going to a new place.

he is empathetic and is quick to comfort someone in distress. he also asks me several times a day, “you okay mommy?”, just to make sure that all is right with me.

he is my first child, and because of him i am more than okay.

i love you my boy.

the privilege to work.

{early morning coffee}

the end of summer is always bittersweet. especially after a particularly merry one full of adventure and guilt-free idleness.

people always ask me if it’s hard to go back to school. isn’t it hard for anyone to get back to work after a vacation, no matter how long? i spend the week before school starts acclimating myself to early mornings again, and much of the week is spent planning lessons and cleaning my classroom, readying it for the eager and happy (ha!) teens whom will arrive soon.

in extra preparation, i make a conscious effort to count my blessings, even when it comes to work. i am grateful to have a job in these troubling economic times, but it’s much more than that. in the last issue of seeing the everyday, writer carol soelberg reflected on her mother’s lessons about work: “written in mother’s unique handwriting for all to see on a simple piece of poster board were the words: ‘the privilege to work is a gift. the power to work is a blessing. the love of work is a success.'” the work i do is important. if i can instill even a fraction of the love i have for literature then my work is satisfying. some novels are more challenging than others. this year i’m devoting myself to those texts, to make them interesting and accessible for our modern world.

the work we do isn’t limited to the work that sustains us financially. i once read about the shaker philosophy of loving every aspect of everyday work, the most mundane tasks that we take for granted, the dish-washing, grocery shopping, food preparing, cleaning the house tasks that we all too often put off or say that we “hate”. i’m making an effort to be present in all those moments, and reminding myself that i do these things because i love my family and want to make their lives beautiful. i want j to love his work as i do, and common sense dictates that if he sees that i enjoy and find important all work then he will too.

here’s to working!

little reminders that life is sweet.

life is good right now. i’m allowed to sleep in, i’m eating well, exercising, meeting up with friends, readying my family for a summer trip. i have no room to complain, but that doesn’t mean i don’t ever feel a little self-imposed stress. last friday morning i felt it big time. i was busy cleaning up this and cleaning up that. just as i thought i was done, j stepped in poop, then i stepped in poop, and everything was on my last nerve. the poop was from our little houseguest, sumo, who, at that point,definitely had overstayed his welcome.

in the midst of my vacuuming and my you’re all driving me nuts speech, j yelled at me stop momma! i turned off the vacuum and he said sit! so i did as was told and sat down in his room. music! he says, so i turned on his current favorite, bob marley, and we just sat. how could a 2-year-old know that’s exactly what i needed?

so the rest of the day i spent on the chaise in the backyard while j swam in his pool…

and re-read this  bel canto (one of the most beautifully written books i’ve ever read)…

and ate a simple lunch…

and took pictures of random beautiful things…

oh yeah, and i forgave little sumo. how can you not?

trip planning.

had we planned a trip to somewhere new i would totally use one of these guides at offbeat guides. for the price of what a general guidebook goes for you can purchase a more personalized guide for your destination. very cool.

i’ve been perusing deliciousbaby.com for travel tips with a toddler because i’m trying to be as prepared as possible for a 5 hour flight. my online search led me to flying with kids, where they offer some pretty good advice, including packing lists!

we’ve purchased the portable dvd player (with backyardigans dvds), and will be buying a few small toys to unwrap mid-flight. we are also traveling with some dear friends who have two girls, ages 7 and 5, so i am also planning on making them a small goody bag with things to keep them occupied.

any other tips you can share?

hope you have a lovely, lovely weekend!

talk to yourself.

{via i can read}

all parents know that parenting can be hard. it’s so very rewarding, but at times, really, really hard. if you’re like me you tend to be hard on yourself sometimes. for those really, really hard days i like to look at this blog. it is chock full of letters that can help on days like this. the last letter posted was about what the writer would say to herself if she could look back some years:

“I would hug my 30-year-old self and tell her I love her. I really do love her. And then I would tell her one last thing:

You are better than you think you are.”

motherhood.

 

many have asked me how my first mother’s day was, and really i can’t express in words the real feelings. too many overwhelming emotions when i truly think about the significance. and it’s not just the day. it’s the overall thoughts i have had recently since we are nearly upon the court date to possibly terminate j’s birth mother’s rights.

i waited for a long time to be a mother. everything i’ve ever accomplished, every award, degree, accolade,  nothing compares to motherhood. nothing compares to the pride i feel when j smiles because he’s happy, when he says thank you, or love you, or shares a toy, or shows sympathy for a person or an animal. i love being a teacher, and am proud of the work that i do, but my greatest job, my calling in life, is to be a mother. i love to make our house a home, to clothe him, teach him, and put good and wholesome food into his body. i feel proud when i bake bread, or cook a good meal, or have a clean house because when j and andrew come home, they feel truly at home.

the first night j came to us i could barely believe that he was really here. i looked at him  as he slept and promised him and God that i would be the best mother i could be. i am hard on myself at times. a perfectionist like me beats herself up when she makes a mistake. motherhood has had its challenges, and always will, but it’s been more than i could ever expect.

one sick boy.

 

this is what we’ve been watching nonstop for several days with one sick boy. my mother’s day was a REAL mother’s day: a night in the emergency room (always fun). for the last week j has had what i’ll politely term “stomach issues”. not pretty, let me tell you. on sunday night he spiked a 104 fever, so off we went. we were told we were already doing everything we should be doing (fluids, no dairy, rest) and to continue. the dr. said he most likely has gastroenteritis, so the little man stayed home yesterday, and, of course, was totally fine. today he went to school, but 1 1/2 hours later his teacher called to say he had a 102 fever. looks like i’m home tomorrow, too.

if only j liked cnn and msnbc.

this is a fun conversation i had with a student today… we’ll call her “m”.

m: why were you gone yesterday?

me: j was sick on sunday night and needed to stay home yesterday.

phone rings. j’s teacher tells me that he’s feverish. “m” hears the phone conversation…

m: so he has a fever again?

me: yes, my husband is going to pick him up.

m: well, why did you bring him to school with a fever?

me: he didn’t have a fever this morning. it just developed.

m: you should have kept him home today.

me: thanks, m, but i really don’t need parenting advice from a 16 year old with a d in my class.

complete silence in the classroom.

it was wonderful.

boats.

 

 

tomorrow’s friday, and that means that no matter what, come 2:30, i am out. of. school. no after school conferences, meetings, or grading.

lately i’ve been changing things up a bit on our commute and once in awhile we take pacific coast highway home so that j can see the water and the boats. it adds 15 minutes, but who cares when there’s beautiful scenery to drink in? it’s been absolutely hot and sunny here so that’s the plan for tomorrow!

have a wonderful weekend!..