and yet another continuance.

debated about posting since i am in a crappy mood and have a huge migraine.

in court today, j’s lawyer recommended tpr. she reiterated what was in the social workers’ report about j’s birth mother’s cousin withdrawing her request to adopt. birthmom’s lawyer, however, said that, according to the cousin, she was told that she would not be approved because birthmom’s 15-year-old brother lives with her and is on active probation (my memory from the tdm was that she would likely be denied because birthmom was living with her). the judge said that a home study would likely be denied in that situation. the lawyer said she wanted to contest because things were not fully explained in the report. j’s lawyer said that the cousin was sitting right here in the front row and could be asked, but the judge ordered a trial on june 12. my question is, what is the difference between a “trial” and what were watching? j’s lawyer could not speak to us long enough for me to ask, but she also said that “today was suppposed to be a trial” but that it would take place on june 12. so confusing. so…again we wait.

we did speak to j’s birthmom. she came over before going before the judge and we exchanged very kind words. she told us she was enrolled in school, and doing well. she asked why j wasn’t there so i told her that he wasn’t supposed to be. she said that she couldn’t make it to the last two visits because of school. i hate when people lie to me. our visits were always at 3:30 and she told me today that she only goes to school for 3 hours and gets out at 11 a.m. that really irritated me, but i didn’t show it. after court she asked when she could see him. i deferred to andrew as he started coaching football this week and his schedule is crazy. we just told her to call the social worker to set it up. i was fuming about everything by that point and just went into the restroom to compose myself. i believe in due process, but, seriously, how many chances does a person get?

i know my “role”, but right now i’m nothing but irritated and angry at this system.

the great thing is that we were able to see a family walk out after their adoption hearing. there was a woman with three kids, and when they walked out you could see the 5-year old was confused so his 12-year old brother explained: you’re my brother now. you’re adopted. and the little boy just grinned from ear to ear. and they all hugged the lawyer. don’t see that every day, huh?

fost-adopt parenthood.

{photo by bart kung via oc register}

it is a unique situation being a fost-adopt parent, for you are constantly reminded that the child in your home is not “yours” yet. there are visits from social workers, and there are court dates, and meetings with people who are related by blood but unknown to him, and you have to deal with whatever aftermath there is. you are told that, despite caring for your sick child, staying up with him during sleepless nights, being there for the hurt and happy moments, you have a certain “role”, and that is one where you have no real say. nearly every major decision you make concerning this child must be approved by someone else. for much of the time you have no voice to speak on his behalf.

when you are a fost-adopt parent you learn to savor each moment, because you don’t know when it will end. so you linger a little longer at bedtime when he asks you to, despite there being a sink full of dishes and toys to be picked up. you hold him a little tighter. you tell him you love him every. chance. you. get. not that most parents wouldn’t do this, but you are more fully aware that it is not your decision if he will stay or go. the decision will lie in someone else’s hands. you also become hypersensitive to those parents who appear to take the time with their children for granted. the parents who shoo their child away because they want to talk on their phone and the ones who curse at their children in public. the parents who tell a teacher that they don’t have time to deal with their kid’s grades. you want to shake them and remind them that it all goes too fast, all he wants is your love and attention, all he wants is to feel safe. wake up and pay attention.

it’s easy to become bitter being a fost-adopt parent. you have gone through weeks of “training”. you have had countless visits to see if everything is in order. is the water heater temp too high? are the knives locked up? is the medicine put out of harm’s way? you have had questions, very personal questions, asked of you. you have been sized up, determined if you are worthy to care for someone else’s child. someone who isn’t. you sometimes become angry to know that for some having children comes so easily. and sometimes, you are in awe that the birth parents of someone so beautiful, so perfect, cannot complete what looks to you a simple list to get their child back. so you wait, and wait.

but these bitter, angry moments are fewer than the happy ones because a fost-adopt parent mostly just makes the choice to love openly and selflessly. and that is what makes him or her a true parent. and no one can take that away.

motherhood.

 

many have asked me how my first mother’s day was, and really i can’t express in words the real feelings. too many overwhelming emotions when i truly think about the significance. and it’s not just the day. it’s the overall thoughts i have had recently since we are nearly upon the court date to possibly terminate j’s birth mother’s rights.

i waited for a long time to be a mother. everything i’ve ever accomplished, every award, degree, accolade,  nothing compares to motherhood. nothing compares to the pride i feel when j smiles because he’s happy, when he says thank you, or love you, or shares a toy, or shows sympathy for a person or an animal. i love being a teacher, and am proud of the work that i do, but my greatest job, my calling in life, is to be a mother. i love to make our house a home, to clothe him, teach him, and put good and wholesome food into his body. i feel proud when i bake bread, or cook a good meal, or have a clean house because when j and andrew come home, they feel truly at home.

the first night j came to us i could barely believe that he was really here. i looked at him  as he slept and promised him and God that i would be the best mother i could be. i am hard on myself at times. a perfectionist like me beats herself up when she makes a mistake. motherhood has had its challenges, and always will, but it’s been more than i could ever expect.

fave photographer.

i stumbled upon the website of tara whitney recently and am in love, love, love with her work. i want to someday be able to take pictures like her. she shoots a lot around orange county, where i was born and raised, so i love to see some of the places where i formed many memories.

{please, please, please look at this website. you must see the pictures! i did not want to copy without permission..does anyone know the dos and donts for posting photographers’ work?}

i am a newbie at photography, but i have to admit it is my current obsession. in my free time i am reading books, blogs, websites, anything about how to become familiar with my digital slr and how to manipulate its settings to get the pics i want. most of the pictures i post on my blog are straight out of automatic setting. in the interest of time i don’t mess with them when i put them up on the blog.

my most used model for experimenting and improving my picture taking is, of course, j, and that means that i can’t show my pics online since he’s not adopted yet. i flaked on my sp challenge after becoming discouraged by my skills, but will pick it up some time later. i can, however, see a slight improvement in my pictures, and it definitely helps to use the camera settings, rather than take pictures on automatic mode.

if you live in southern california, and she fits within your budget (sadly, she doesn’t fit into mine YET), you MUST book her to take pictures of your family. her work is beautiful.

her blog is here. and this home movie (something you can also have done by tara and her friend, michel) is something that you must see. it’s gorgeous.

no, don’t call, because we LOVE to sit in traffic on the freeways of l.a.

we’d planned weekly visits with j’s birth mother (“bio-mom” sounds a little too much like “octo-mom” lately…and i’m not a fan, so i’ve stopped using that term). three weeks ago she called at about 10 a.m. to say she couldn’t make it, but that she DEFINITELY wanted to visit him the following week as it was the day before his birthday. she did make it last week, but then left after 30 minutes because she said she had a job interview. i specifically said see you next week to make sure that there would be a visit the following week. she said, definitely, i want to give him his birthday present.today, as has become our routine every tuesday, we left work a bit early, woke j up from his nap at school, and drove the 30 or so minutes (which means WAY longer in l.a.) to the sw’s office for the visit. birth mother was a no-show, and didn’t bother to call this time. if j was older i really don’t know how we would’ve explained this to him. i wonder what foster parents of older children do in this situation… did she not have a gift and felt embarassed? is she working now? is she in school? has she moved yet again? so many questions unanswered.

we are going to assume that’s there is no visit next week unless she calls to confirm. may 14 is the big day, and we’ve received our written notification (as i’m sure birth mother has, too) that the social worker is recommending tpr and adoption by US.

this post title sounds snippety, which is what happens when you sit in l.a.’s traffic. but in some ways it seems that it brings us closer to being his forever family. whatever happens, i feel so, so blessed to have this little boy in my life. blessed beyond belief.

names, names, names.

help dana with baby names! she and her hubby have just started the process to adopt from south korea.

such fun!

happy birthday j!

{the hands i love to hold}

Dear J,

You are changing and growing right before our eyes, and it is the most amazing thing to witness. You are extremely inquisitive and observant. You like to take your time doing things, from eating to taking walks. When we take a walk you like to look at everything around you. You are a constant reminder to me to slow down and take in the beauty of the little things. I marvel at how you can hear a bird singing from far away and will make me listen every time. You love to sit in the backyard watching the turtles in the pond while watching spiders make their webs, or butterflies flying around. I find it very appropriate that your birthday is also earth day!

 

You love animals, but in our household I guess this is a given. You’re kind of forced into the situation with four dogs, a cat, two turtles, and several fish. Geez, you will probably be a zookeeper or something. Just the other day you started to get jealous of Bruno, however, when he sat on my lap. You told Bruno, “My mommy!” and pushed him off.

 

You have the sweetest singing voice. You are extremely musical. Your current favorite song is “Barbara Ann” (you like the “Ba, ba, ba” part and hear it on daddy’s oldies cd), but you’ve just learned “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” and can sing most of it all the way through. For some reason you love the opening song from the television show “Mad Men”. You don’t watch the show with us (not quite something for your age!), but we play the song from the dvr and rewind it a few times so you can hear the drums. You love to also sing the song we made up for Bruno. Your voice makes me smile.

 

You tell funny, funny stories. I can’t always understand everything you’re saying, but you are very expressive with your hands. You currently tell a long story about something at school and then say (like someone else is saying it), “Helen! Helen!”. Miss Helen is one of your teachers at school. You just this week starting saying her name and Miss Lisa’s name.

You are a boy who loves to eat! You love meatballs and meatloaf especially, and love to yell out “meatball!” What’s amazing to us is that you ask to taste a lot of different foods. I have never seen a child your age ask to taste foods like you do. And when you taste things you hold it in your mouth and let it sit on your tongue for awhile to get the full taste. You recently discovered candy, which doesn’t always have such a great effect on you, so it’s on very rare occasions that you get it!

Developmentally, you have far surpassed our expectations of a little boy your age. You run and climb like crazy, and can kick a ball like you’re a pro. You love to shoot baskets and throw your football around. You can actually sit and watch a basketball or football game for, honestly, more time than most people I know can. You are  definitely an athlete. A dream come true for a football coaching father, huh?

 

I just love and adore you so much, and can’t believe how much you have bettered our lives. You bring us joy each and every single day, and your daddy and I have no idea how we ever got along without your sweet smile! We are extremely proud of you. Despite all you’ve been through, you love and trust us now with every ounce of your being. We can already see all the qualities that show who you’re going to grow up to be: a kind-hearted, sweet, and loving man. You love the simple things in life and remind us to do the same, and we thank God for you every day. We love you forever.

 

With love,

Your mommy

 

 

**One of my student’s parents told me that every year on her children’s birthdays she wrote down their favorites, since these little things are forgotten so easily. I love this idea!**

j’s favorites…
t.v. show: lazy town
song: “Barbara Ann”
pasttime: visits to the park, swings
friends: daesha, gavin, payton, luke, carson and frankie
move: his “battle stance”-he puts his legs apart and bends the front knee, sort of like the warrior pose in yoga
favorite thing in school: toys, dancing and singing, planting seeds
chores he does at home: helps me vacuum and unload the dishwasher
most commonly used word(s): thank you and no
food: meatballs and meatloaf, muffins
drink: white grape juice
animal: cats
things he did this year: rode a horse, went to his first museum, went to disneyland, visited Arizona

most commonly said by j:
a cuddle daddy?
love you mommy!
thank you mommy.

Some of my favorite things about J:

 

J’s been saying “Good” when we ask him, “How are you?” for a long time, but I still love to hear it. His little voice is so cute when he says it.

J is a cuddler. He recently learned the world “cuddle” and uses it all. the. time.  He’ll say “A-cuddle, mommy?” and then when we cuddle, he’ll ask Andrew “A-cuddle, daddy?”, then will ask one of the dogs to join in on the cuddle. Too cute.

 

I love how polite J is. He says “please” and “thank you” regularly. The cutest thing is when he says “Bless you” when someone sneezes, even the dogs!

I love how sometimes when he hugs me he’ll pat me on the back. It’s so comforting to me. He gives the best and biggest hugs to everyone.

 

I love how much J loves his family. He loves spending time with his cousins, Frankie and Carson, and often asks for them. I hope and pray to be able to watch them grow and change together.

I love how happy and excited J gets when we pick him up from daycare. Sometimes he screams and jumps up and down and it makes me so happy that he has had such a fun day, but knows that there’s more fun to be had with mom and dad.

I love how most of the time J wakes up happy and smiling. Recently, he isn’t too fond of waking up for school so early, but when he sleeps in until 7 a.m. or so he is one happy camper.

 

I love watching J play on his jungle gym in the backyard. I will never forget the look of surprise when he walked out to see it. He was amazed that this big “toy” was actually all his. The very next morning after Andrew set it up the first thing he did after waking up was to look outside to see if it was still there. It wasn’t a dream!

 

 

{gotta love craigslist}

one for the jar.

remember this?

this one’s for the jar:

setting: in the car on the way home from dinner out.

j: mommy?

me: yes?

j: i farted.

me: you did?

j: like daddy.

{too funny.}

what’s happening

most of you know that we have been riding an emotional roller coaster since finding out that j’s bio-mom’s cousin applied to adopt him in december/january. we were hopeful that we had the better chance as his relatives had not visited him at all since he was put into our care. about three weeks ago that all changed.

j’s sw called to say that bio-mom and her aunt wanted to visit. we set up a visit in the sw’s office. the courts mandated that the visits be monitored. we were told that we were to monitor the visits.

i don’t remember being that nervous before. i had no idea what to expect. the visit was overall uneventful (no animosity like i was preparing for), but it was extremely uncomfortable. we had nothing in common with j’s relatives, other than our interest in j. we were all cordial, but had little to say in a tiny room full of 7 people (besides the three of us, it was bio-mom, her two aunts, and her teenage cousin).

what struck me was how young his bio-mom appeared. yes, i knew she was 17, but she seems so much younger than that. she is polite and soft-spoken, but so reticent to approach him, and so surprised that he doesn’t recognize her when he sees her.  when j referred to us as “mommy and daddy”, there was a collective “oooohhhh” from her family and when the visit ended, she picked him up and told him, “I’M your mommy because I carried you for 9 months and I’m going to get you back.”  i have no idea how much he understood of that, but i screwed up and cried in the car. i was just so full of anger that she felt a rightful place in his life when i am the one who sits up with him at night, nurses him back to health, and is there for him every day. i say i screwed up because when j saw me crying he said, “you okay mommy? you okay?” he shouldn’t have the burden of making sure i’m okay. it’s my job to make sure that he is okay. that won’t happen again.

we set up visits for every week at the same time, but told the sw that it needs to be monitored by a worker, not just us, as we were uncomfortable with some of the things she said to him and we didn’t want it to turn into a “he said, she said” situation. the most surprising thing that came out of this visit was that j’s bio-mom told us that she had moved in with the aunt to try to get him back. we had previously been told that she had zero chance of getting him back because of the circumstances of his detainment.

our adoption worker was very upset by bio-mom’s statements and the nickname that she has for him, and made sure that we had a monitor there the next week. still uncomfortable, but much better since all present signed an agreement to be appropriate in our words and actions. this was last tuesday, and a tdm (team decision meeting) was scheduled for the following day.

we were also very nervous about the tdm, being our first time going through this. there were 5 workers present, a mediator, bio-mom, her cousin, us, a psychologist we have been working with, and one of our relatives. the first piece of surprising news that was we actually had legal priority to adopt j. they pulled out a relationship chart showing that we had a stronger relationship (because of his time in our care) than his biological bond with his bio-mom’s cousin. the  aunt’s application could very likely be denied because j’s bio-mom moved in with her, so she was told that if she wanted to suspend her home study she could wait to be approved later when situations changed (she is a relative who seems to take in other relatives, mostly children, who are in need). i think that she truly wanted to help bio-mom get j back, so she had her move in. the only problem is (and this was explained to them) that it’s too late in the game for bio-mom to get him back. family reunification services had been terminated long ago and there was basically no chance of her getting him back. one of the workers told her that she was lucky to have the opportunity to have some part in his life because we were possibly open to communication when/if we adopt j.

the meeting overall was very emotional. part of me feels so sad for j’s bio-mother. it seems she never had a chance. she was so young when she gave birth, and seems to have no real relationship with her father. her mother is just getting off of drugs. at the same time, i am so grateful to her for giving him life, but also hesitant to let her into his life with what knowledge i have of her own, including why he was detained in the first place.

we brought a life book with us for everyone to look at at the tdm (recommended by the adoption worker). it was apparent that she loved looking at it, and husband asked if it was okay with me to give it to her and order another one for us. i agreed, but the workers were adamant about us ordering her a new one. they later explained that their opinion is that she shouldn’t have any pictures of us whatsoever, for our protection. they said they knew our hearts hurt for her, but she is so young and we don’t know what influence she could be under in the future. point well taken. i am more mistrustful and wary of  everything than husband, so it was good to know that i am not paranoid when i look to see if anyone is following us from visits.

so, it looks good for our family to stay together. the hard part now is balancing everything in relation to j’s bio-family. we want him to know who he is, to have that connection, but his safety is first and foremost. i am struggling with how much to trust, but only time will tell. i don’t want to allow a relationship to be established with someone if she isn’t going to follow through. she cancelled yesterday’s visit.

the tpr hearing is may 13. we’ll see.

no news is good news, but now there’s news.

so we thought that we would have a decision in may.

j’s csw called yesterday and wants to call a team decision making meeting where all parties involved, meaning us, j’s csw, her supervisor, our adoption worker, her supervisor, the bio-mom’s aunt, who has applied to adopt j, her adoption worker, her supervisor, and two-three people of our choice who will speak on behalf of us and our home. seems like a lot of people to me, but i think j’s csw hopes that when the aunt knows that he is in a good home that she might drop her request to adopt.

i have no idea if this aunt has met j, but seeing as his bio-mom still has visitation rights, we feel that this aunt, if she really wanted him, would take advantage of these visits with bio-mom to start to bond with him. i’m hoping that her request to adopt was in feeling that there was a strong possibility that he was not in a good placement.

we have tons of people to speak for us. the biggest decision is whittling down the list. we’ll see…